At first I was afraid, I was petrified….
I have become all to familiar with my doctor’s phrase “I
wish I had better news….” That was what he told me when he called me with the
results of my second blood test showing that my PSA had risen significantly in
just three months. He said it again when
he called me with the results of my biopsy.
Cancer seems to be a journey that starts out bad and then just keeps
getting worse. So when I went to meet
with him for the results of my bone scan and CT scan, I was terrified but
hardly surprised when he once again said “I wish I had better news…” But when he started to tell me again the results of my
biopsy, I realized,--in between heart palpitations--that he was mixed up about
where we were in the process. It is, of
course, understandable since he sees hundreds of patients and tries to handle
my case via telephone when he can due to my long commute to Rochester. He apologized and then dug out the results we
were supposed to be going over which in fact included the “better news” we’d
been hoping for. Finally one of the
tests went my way. It also, sadly, seems that nothing is ever unqualified with
cancer. There is “one spot on one rib”
that looks suspicious but "is probably nothing," and then there is the
disheartening statistic I read in the prostate cancer guide he gave me which is
that Bone and CT scans miss cancer about 10-20% of the time. All of which add nicely to the nagging
worries I feel in the night when I can’t sleep.
“What is that weird ache/pain? What is that sensation? What does cancer
feel like?.....”
Alright now go, walk out the door, just turn around now,
you’re not welcome anymore…
So I’m going to start off the New Year (1/5/15) by having
the cancer (and my prostate) removed by a tiny robot inside me. Perhaps this could be the plot for a new
Disney movie? Weirdly, the doctor isn’t
even standing over me…he is seated nearby at a computer! Isn’t that wild? I will be the hospital just
for an overnight and then need to recuperate at home for about two weeks. I’m happy because this lets me finish the
semester and enjoy the Christmas season and having the kids at home. January is a little dull anyway, so I will
liven it up with some robotic surgery.
Anthony and Samantha will be home for part or all of my recovery, so
that will make it easier also.
I WILL SURVIVE!
So, I am reminding myself that I survived getting a PhD; I
survived cancer in 1994; I survived getting thrown under the bus by my
erstwhile alma mater; and I survived a year of being unemployed and uninsured,
so I am also going to survive this!
Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side….
It is hard to underestimate the strength and encouragement I
have felt since announcing my news on facebook.
So many messages, prayers, cards, phone calls, words of encouragement, from all over the country, and even around the world. I tucked some of my favorite phrases from all of you into my memory and I recite them to myself whenever I get scared:
- God's got this!
- Cancer bites the big weinie!
- Jedi Hugs
- You are officially at the top of my prayer list.
- Your name is on our refrigerator door.
- We've got your back.
- You will have a mighty army lifting you up.
- You are surrounded by a great community of faith
- Cancer sucks: Kick its ass, Dr. Nichols!
- Your prayer warriors are girding ourselves for battle.
- We are with you every step of the way.
- Big hugs and sloppy kisses!
- Go after it Tim, our world needs you.
Stay strong and positive Tim. You've got this. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeletePlease add to this list of awesome things said or written "Tim you are too wonderful for this to end any way but well; you and those of us buoying you up in prayer & enthusiasm will be stronger for it.
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