Sunday, April 5, 2015

Where, O Death, is now thy sting?



Today at church I found myself thinking about my recent griping about the snow, the IRS, the gigantic stack of research papers, and the awful financial aid process. It dawned on me that today is my three-month anniversary of my surgery; I'm alive!  What do I have to complain about? My life got a new springtime! Springtime and Easter—snow not withstanding—are symbols of rebirth, renewal, and resurrection. Easter reminds me to focus on the promise of new life.  So, as I have told myself before, I want to accept all that life has to offer with an open and grateful hand.  The old adage by Benjamin Franklin reminds us that “in this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.”  Well, I’ve temporarily eluded death, so I will pay my taxes and shovel snow and grade papers and do so with a joyful spirit. 

Today it felt particularly good to sing the old Charles Wesley lyrics:
“Raise your joys and triumphs high, Sing ye heavens and earth reply, Alleluia!”

(PS: I can’t help but notice the delightful irony in the universe that the financial aid process is really quite reminiscent of a prostate exam—good thing I am so experienced in that regard.)

Thursday, March 26, 2015

The Day I Became a Father



21 Years ago...March 27, 1994

It felt as if I had waited my whole life to be a dad.  I have always enjoyed being around kids and even babies. When Uncle Bruce and Aunt Kathie adopted Brian in 1969 I was enchanted:  I said to Aunt Kathie, “Finally there is someone I can tell, ‘I knew you when you were a baby.’  Three years later they adopted Suzanne.  When two members of my church family, Wayne and Marilyn, adopted precious little Robbie, he and I became inseparable on Sundays and at youth group activities.  I loved carting him around.  Then two other dear church friends Bob and Betty McClimans adopted Celynd and she gave me my first real experience with childcare. In the summer of 1978 her parents were stuck without a babysitter for the summer and I had not yet found a summer job.  Suddenly I found myself--a college freshman--caring for a baby: feeding, diapering, bathing ….everything. And, I loved it. 

Loving all of those wonderful adopted kids always made me wonder whether God was preparing me to be an adoptive parent.  And in fact, it took me so long to get married, I was not sure if I was ever going to be any kind of a parent.  By that time I had doted on several nieces and nephews. Spending Amanda’s first year living near them in Nyack and seeing my precious little niece every day only deepened my desire for fatherhood. In 1992 I finally did get married, and then to my surprise--but delight--we found ourselves almost immediately pregnant. (So much for my paranoia about infertility.) But to our great sorrow, we lost that baby at about six weeks.  When our dear obstetrician--Dr. Miller--told us the news, he broke down and wept with us. Again, I wondered if I would ever realize my dream of fatherhood.  In the sad empty void after the miscarriage I got started on a PhD program. 

Then in February of 1994, we discovered that we were once again expecting a baby.  Sally and Chris were both expecting babies that spring and we went down to visit New Wilmington on Palm Sunday weekend.  We’d been to church that morning and I was in the kitchen helping Mom fix dinner when Olga appeared in the doorway with an ashen look on her face.  I knew something was terribly wrong.  “It’s happening again,’ she said.  We jumped into the car and hurried down to the emergency room at Jameson Hospital in New Castle. 

There we encountered an ER doctor whose command of the English language was somewhat lacking.  He explained “threatening miscarriage, perhaps an ultrasound will tell us if baby alive.” Olga lay on a gurney and I knelt beside it and we cried and prayed.  They had to summon in an ultrasound technician who had a long drive to the hospital.  That endless, agonizing wait at Jameson is seared into my memory forever.  When the technician finally arrived, still wearing his civilian clothes, he took us off to another wing.  As we passed through the lobby, I saw that my sweet mom had driven in after us, still in her Sunday clothes, the uneaten Sunday dinner still on the table.  She sat in the waiting room and gave me a brave and encouraging smile as we whisked past.  I knew she was praying for us.

The technician--who spoke English as his first language--was very kind and friendly.  He explained that an ultrasound at only about five weeks may not show anything at all as that was barely enough time for the heartbeat to begin.  I asked if he would tell us what he saw.  “That’s against policy,” he explained, “the doctor has to go over the results with you.” That seemed so unfair and illogical to me, the man in the ER was not our doctor and he barely spoke English, but I was too emotionally spent to try to argue against the policy.  He looked sympathetically at our tear-stained faces as he hooked up the equipment. 

Time seemed to freeze as he rolled the sensor around Olga’s stomach, searching for any sign of life…my hopes dwindled.  Then….”I SEE A HEARTBEAT!” he crowed!  Then immediately, “Don’t tell them I told you!” He guided our eyes to the screen and showed us a faint little flicker in the fuzzy pattern.  It mostly looked like a TV channel that was not coming in.  But once he put his finger on it, we could see the steady pattern that he meant. 

In that moment, I became a father.  In that moment, I first glimpsed Anthony Jay Nichols, who would arrive safely about 30 weeks later.  In that moment, I fell in love with that teeny-tiny pinprick of a heartbeat.  If anyone had tried to harm that microscopic beating heart, I could have torn him apart with my bare hands.  My 21-year (and counting) adventure as a father, the greatest in my life, began at Jameson Hospital on that terrible and glorious Palm Sunday afternoon. 


I know that people agonize deeply over the question of when life begins, but for me that question was answered that day.  That baby was as much my son on that day as he is on this day as a big strong junior in college.  

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Day One: Fillmore, NY--Bowling Green, OH

Mindy suggested I should blog our Western trip - so here goes! This is my first ever blog, so I have no idea what I am doing and I am hundreds of miles from Greg so this may be a disaster! I don't know how many nights we will have internet access, but we do tonight so here goes! The morning departure was covered with a flurry of facebook well wishes. Everyone said "Be careful and drive safely except for Thomas Rhett who wrote "Let Anthony drive!" which seems to fly in the face of the sentiments of everyone else! The best pre-trip comment came from Jan who said "Remember to back the family truckster out of the garage before you pack the suitcases on top Clark!" Aunt Chris who has been so encouraging about the trip called and texted regularly all day! We actually left on schedule at 11:00. (Everyone felt better about leaving since long-lost Simba arrived home on Thursday night after being missing for three weeks!) We covered about 350 miles today. Everything went smoothly except for a torrential rainstorm in New York - I had to pull over because it was raining too hard for the wipers to keep up. Fortunately it passed over quickly and by the time we got to Erie it was blue skies and sunny! I made some travel books for the kids to chart which states they've already been in and which they are adding on this trip. So the first hour or so passed with our getting them filled out and reminiscing about previous trips as they tried to fill out their booklets. I have them writing down when and why they visited each state the first time. So it was fun trying to recall all of those details.

Gasoline prices had dropped fifty cents a gallon by the time we got to Bowling Green! We stayed tonight with Nina Assimakopolis, a Houghton friend who is now teaching at Bowling Green. Anthony was best friends with her daughter Iliana when they were young. We had such a great time tonight! They have a beautiful home and Nina has become a vegetarian and had a fantastic Greek meal prepared for us. It was so much fun to see her again. Iliana and Isaac have grown up so much in the five years since they left Houghton. Tonight we had both an ice cream party and a campfire/smores party. In fact the kids and Nina are still outside telling ghost stories as I write this. The only downside to the day is that poor JonDavid got a migraine tonight, so he is already conked out and I wanted to stay close to him so I came upstairs and decided to figure out if I could set up a blog! So anyway, I don't want this to be so long that no one will read it, so I think that is enough for Day One. Tomorrow, if JD feels up to it, we will leave early and drive on over to Upland, IN to visit the Trudeaus and Aunt Barbara. I need to figure out if I can post pictures too.

Day Two: Bowling Green, OH - Upland, IN

Wow! I have five followers! I was afraid I would have this pathetic blog with no one even reading it. I remember when I first joined facebook and it said "Tim has no friends at Houghton College" on the sidebar....So anyway, the second day of our adventure has also gone beautifully - it began with JonDavid awakening me this morning at 6:30 am saying "I feel great now!" He looked over at the nice silver mixing bowl that Iliana had grabbed for me the night before when I told her that I needed something because JonDavid's migraines make him throw up. He surveyed it and said "Wow, this is my fanciest puking bowl yet!" My precious little boy - he cracks me up. Happily his migraines are becoming much fewer and further between. Nina and her kids had to leave early for a swim meet so we got up, packed up, made breakfast and a colorful thank you poster for them and then hit the road. It was another glorious day weather wise, and the drive over to Indiana was very pleasant, and not too far, only about 150 miles from Nina's to here. We got into the Trudeaus at about 1:45. (We've been visiting Skip and Jen Trudeau and their five kids for the past eight summers since Aunt Barbara had her stroke and landed in a nursing home near here, and the kids and I think of them as family, they are dear friends and great hosts.) Jen made omelettes for lunch that were great. You will notice that my accounts of my travels and adventures are very food-centric; my sister Mindy who requested this blog understands, this reflects our family worldview which essentially seeks to answer the time-honored question: "How was the food?" On that same note, I also need to report on a thoughtful bon voyage present from Uncle Bruce and Aunt Kathie who arrived on Saturday morning with a big shopping bag full of chips, candy bars, snacks, gum, cookies....a cornucopia of junkfood which has entranced all of us, particularly JonDavid! It has helped the miles to fly by as we discuss which bag of snacks to sample next! The other fun distraction in the car has been listening to the kids who have been watching movies and TV shows on DVD players. They are listening with headphones so the only parts I hear are when they all burst into laughter over funny lines. I love that happy sound--often Samantha repeats the funny line for them to laugh at a second time.

One aspect of this trip I have already recognized is that at every stop we are going to wish we had more time to enjoy our friends. We hated leaving Nina's house so quickly and I can already tell that we will want more time with the Trudeaus than we scheduled. But seeing as how we have to get back to New York before the snow flies (mid-August!) we will have to exercise some restraint. Another observation: I LOVE GPS - Mom got it for me for Christmas last year and it makes the trip indescribably easier. I just program in the address and let that amazing little gadget do the rest. It even knew where the Trudeaus live which is nearly as far off the beaten path as where we live. I keep thinking about how much my Dad would have loved one of these amazing devices.

I would say the highlight of day two was getting into Marion and seeing Aunt Barbara. I dropped the kids off to play with their Trudeau counterparts. They'll come with me tomorrow to see Aunt Barbara. When I saw Aunt Barb last at Christmastime, I was sure it would be the last time I would ever see her and it was terribly sad because she was so medicated and out of it, I think she only vaguely realized we were there. She was very non-responsive and I had to do all of the talking. She has cancer and I never even thought she'd live until this summer. And while her physical condition is still grave, she has bounced back mentally and was so much more her old self. She was thrilled to see me and wanted to talk, talk, talk. It was funny because her favorite activity when I visit is to haul me around the nursing home and introduce me to every single resident and employee always announcing that I'm a doctor. They always get an expectant look in their eyes as though I should be able to start handing out free samples of pharmaceutical products, and I have to mumble that I'm an academic doctor, not a medical one which immediately evaporates my star power! I always felt fairly awkward about it, but then when Aunt Barbara was so out of it on my last two visits...it made me sad. So today when she started it again, I gained a new appreciation for this ritual which is important for her. We had a great time sitting around and talking in her room tonight. She pumps me for stories about our pets and hangs on every word. After I told her the LONG story tonight about the adventures of Simba (being rescued from a window well at the College by JonDavid, impregnating our female cat AFTER being neutered, and returning fto us rom the dead this week) she exclaimed "I LOVED that story - I wish you had time to tell it to me again!" We also talked about Dad and how much she misses him, and some of my favorites, her reminiscing about her memories of their growing up. I love to hear her talk about that. It was really a delightful visit and now if I end up not seeing her again after this visit, I will feel so much better about it.

Two of the people she introduced me to today are a couple at the home. The wife has had some kind of an incapacitating health situation and seems fairly out of it both physically and mentally. But the husband is friendly, jolly, and healthy. He arrives every morning with their dog and spends the WHOLE day at the home with his wife. He takes all of his meals there with her and sits in the room while she naps (the dog jumps up on the bed and sleeps with her.) I was deeply touched by this portrait of true love. She doesn't seem to be conversant or even all that aware that he is with her, and having spent their whole life together, he is just doing what comes naturally and doing it joyfully as well. It was one of those life-affirming moments that I was happy I got to witness.

So now I'm back at the Trudeaus (Jen made Colorado Anazaki Beans and Rice with salsa, cheese, sour cream, and tortillas for dinner - yum! And the Libby (their eldest daughter) just made a big batch of chocolate chip cookies for our midnight snack. Anthony was in his glory because He and Maddie were shooting fireworks off their deck when I got home - they were competing with the next house down who would answer each volley with their own supply! So now the kids are eating cookies and watching one of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, then they will all go out and sleep in the Trudeau's camper. I told Skip that if I end up without a job soon that we will all be moving into their camper permanently!

Tomorrow Skip and I are going out to lunch and then the kids will go with me to Marion to spend the afternoon with Aunt Barbara. Thanks so much for your interest in our travel adventures!

Day Three--A cornfield in Indiana

Not much new and exciting to report, but I thought I would at least check in briefly to let you know that we are alive and well and enjoying our visit with the Trudeaus and Aunt Barbara. We all went in to Marion this morning and spent some time with Aunt Barb, she was thrilled to see the kids and, like me, they very happy and surprised to see the change in her. She loved Anthony's curls and joked with the kids and, typical of her, gave them what little money she had squirrelled away to "pick out something for Christmas." See, I come from a long tradition of it never being too early to start thinking about Christmas! Then I brought the kids back to Upland and Skip, Jen and I went and got some Chinese food for lunch. In the afternoon I went back to Marion and did Aunt Barbara's shopping at Wal-Mart ("Don't forget the cheese curls!") and the kids went canoeing and played Dutch Blitz and Risk with the Trudeaus. I know I shouldn't be feeding Aunt Barbara's junk food habit, but I figure when you are in a Nursing Home and have cancer anyway, what's the worst thing that could happen? Why not go out happy? I also printed out pictures of the kids and pets at Wal-Mart and looked at them with her and she had me plaster them all over her wall. We really had a nice time together. Then at the end of the day, I went to McDonalds and got her a burger and fries - her favorite, and then met the kids and the Trudeaus at Fazoli's (JD's favorite) and now we are back here. Skip and Jen and I just went for a walk all around Taylor and came back to find the kids in the middle of a big poker tournament with JonDavid sitting behind a giant pile of pennies and looking thoroughly pleased with himself! Tomorrow we will go and see Aunt Barbara again in the morning and then blast off for our next stop: Chicago.

Day 4: Upland, IN -- Chicago, IL

Oh dear! Why didn't we make this trip much, much longer? It is too hard to only stay each place such a short time. We hated to say goodbye to the Trudeaus and I had to rout the kids out early this morning so that we could get in and see Aunt Barbara once more. Now that she is so much more "with it" again, it is very hard for her to let us go. She wanted one more round of hamburger and french fries before we left, but I couldn't wait until McDonalds switched over to their lunch menu at 11:00 and they are too snooty to make an exception, so we tried White Castle and they were as nice as could be about it. The clerk said "If you can wait a few minutes we'll make some up for you and that way they'll be hot and fresh!" So we said our good byes to Aunt Barb as she ate her White Castles (they were always my dad's favorite) Then we hit the road for Chicago. We stopped at Panera for lunch and then before we knew it we were looking at the Chicago skyline. It was exciting driving through all of the Chicago hub-bub. Mindy sent me a text this week, jokingly asking if we'd stopped at any rest stops where you had to pump the handle on the well to get water like we used to do traveling as kids. As I was driving today I was thinking about how modern and convenient so many aspects of travel have become. The GPS is such an amazing device and makes everything so much easier. We have an EZ Pass to pay our tolls so we don't even have to slow down. Parts of Chicago don't even have tollbooths; they somehow just dip into your checking account as you drive under some scanner - isn't that such a lovely combination of convenience and highway robbery? The restaurants and rest stops are so fancy and nice. It is such a different world than the one we traveled 40 years ago as kids. The car that my friends Dave and Les (whom we are visiting tonight) has a TV screen in the dashboard that gives you a wide angle view of where you are backing up so you can see if there are any children, bikes, cars, or skunks behind you! Speaking of Dave and Leslie, we arrived at their specatacular home in the Chicago suburbs about 3:00 this afternoon. Dave and Les were some of my dearest Arkansas friends but we haven't seen each other for probably 12 years and I don't even know how to begin to describe how much fun it was to be with them again tonight! And not just because of their beautiful home or that they took us out for incredible Chicago pizza...the biggest reason is the sheer joy of the comfort, laughter, and ease of a friendship that extends clear across the years of our lives. Being together tonight made us feel like we were in our 20s again and we happily regressed into all of the jokes and silliness of those good ol' days at JBU. The kids are in hog heaven because the LeVans have a high tech rec room and their son Tyler is such a nice host for them. None of us want to leave! But the road beckons and I must get to sleep - tomorrow we drive to the Twin Cities for the Foleys and our next adventure.

Day Five: Chicago, IL-- Minneapolis, MN

Aye-yi-yi! What a long driving day. I'm not entirely clear what took so long but we bid a sad farewell to Leslie at about 10:30 this morning (is that right? The time zones are confusing me) and a joyful hello to Dan at 10:30 tonight. The drive was only supposed to take eight hours, so I'm not quite sure where the other four hours went! We took a long cut to get here as a part of our quest to get to all the Western states, we took the route that took us over Iowa and up so that way we were Illinois, Iowa, Wisconsin, and Minnesota today! Somehow in the confusion of hitting three states at once in Dubuque, Iowa, we crossed the mighty Mississippi THREE times. (Fortunately, since it was Iowa and not New York, there was no toll for crossing the bridge - that little stunt at home would have cost me $24.00!) Then another wrinkle was finding a gas station that had 64 oz. drinks! So obviously I bought one and then had to stop at the bathroom 64 times. But even though it was a loooooonngg drive, it was a pleasant day and the kids continue to be troopers, even putting up with my picture-taking obsession! One of these nights I'm going to upload some of the pictures, but I always end up being too sleepy. Dan fixed pizza for us and Denise had made chocolate chip cookies (so between them they had my two favorite foods covered!) so we ate a bit and were amazed by the huge beautiful home and their huge beautiful cats...then the kids wandered off to bed and Dan and I have been talking and catching up for the past hour or so. But since we are both now 50 rather than 15 like we were when we used to stay up all night...now we are headed to bed since we have a big day tomorrow: "Harry Potter and the Deathly Mall of America!" Highlights of Day 5: Beautiful scenery in Eastern Illinois..."lupper" at a Mongolian Grill...talking/texting with Mindy as I drove...seeing my buddy Dan again....